Scientology, I dub thee Suckatology…

A flew blocks from my flat exists a Scientology center. Tonight I passed it by while on my way home from shopping, and the representatives from the center (what the hell do you call the guys at the Church of Scientology anyway? Clergy? Fathers? Bishops? Morons?) were giving out free stress tests on the sidewalk. One person approached a man walking hurriedly towards me, walking directly into his path and asked if he wanted a free stress test. His response was inspired: "No, but you're giving me stress, that's what you are doing! " Haha, genius!

Next time I see them, I'm going to take them up on a free stress test. I would have tonight, but I had two big sacks of groceries; but rest assured, I won't pass up such a golden opportunity to make a scene again. I'm sure they will tell me I am stressed in order to get me to join their group, at which point I'll yell out, "You're damn right I'm under a lot of stress!!" This declaration will immediately be followed by my flipping the table with the machines over in a fit of ape-like rage. And not just any old ape, either. I'm not talking about Cocoa the Chimp pouting because she didn't get her extra banana for dessert. I'm talking about 'silver-back, head of the clan when he sees a poacher moving in' style ape-rage. I fully intend to throw their machinery through their windows, and possibly even attempt to choke one of their employees into unconciousness with the power cord.

At this point, I'm assuming that they will know I'm a drastic case, and will skip over a lot of the preliminary malarky and give me direct access to some of their greatest secrets. With any luck, I will soon have just as much power as Tom Cruise does: http://www.big-boys.com/articles/tomkills.html (Just make sure you have the sound on on your computer, and that you are at least passingly familiar with the Star Wars movies when you hit that link.)