Not seeing a play makes you gay

Most of the people who know me are aware of the fact that I constantly, and quite inexplicably, cause a sensation in the gay community anywhere I go. I don't quite know why it happens, or why I am essentially invisible to women yet attract so many men. But it happens every time I visit Helsinki, it happens at Charlie's back home in Idaho, honestly, it happens everywhere. If there is a gay man within a three hundred yard radius of me, odds are that he will soon strike up a conversation with me and try to put the moves on. What's that? You want an example? Well, how's this as a "for instance": while at a club in Hungary, in the space of an hour I had three men come up and try to get some love off of me. This was not a gay club, this was a plain old fashioned guys and gals club, but apparently I seem so outrageously gay not matter what I'm doing all these gents just gravitated towards me.

I was explaining this to my friend Marcy the other day, and tonight we were walking around after a failed attempt to go see "The Postman Always Rings Twice." This play has actually sort of haunted my brief stay in London, and has succeeded in breaking my heart. I intially found out it was playing when I walked by a theatre and noticed that they had posters advertising the fact that this production starred Val Kilmer. Val Kilmer! I've long had an odd affinity for Val, so my heart leapt when I saw I had a chance to see him live. Alas, my heart quickly sank back down when I saw that the run of the play was ending that night and I would have to miss the show. However, checking the London events calender a few days later, I saw that the show was listed as running for a few more days. Wow, maybe they extended the run! So, tonight I went with Marcy to try and catch a live sighting of Val. Alas, fate would have its way with me again, and the play was indeed over on Saturday. Damn you internets, and all your bloody fictions!

This was actually a pretty crushing blow to me, as I had planned on rushing the stage at some point and trying to...I don't know, hug Val? Kiss him? I guess I was just going to go with the moment and see what happened. Regardless, without a Val sighting, I was left with an overabundance of unexpressed manlove. Later, as we walked through town, I couldn't get over not seeing my main man Val. Devastated, I ended up at an all-you-can-eat Thai restaurant, hoping that a massive influx of MSG laden food would somehow numb the crippling pain of being so close to Val, yet so damn far away.

What happened next didn't really shock me, but it took Marcy quite by surprise. Even though I had warned her of my wily, gay-attracting ways, she was still stunned to see it unfold right before her eyes. Towards the end of dinner, two men sat down at the table next to us, and literally within minutes one of them was chatting me up and fawning over me. It all seemed quite usual to me, just another day in the life of Andy, but Marcy found it rather hysterical.

I still wish I knew exactly why this sort of thing continues to happen to me. Well, here's my theory about tonight: since I never satiated my aforementioned man-love for Val, I had a surfeit of quasi-homoerotic tension built up inside me. This, consequently, triggered a blip on the "Gaydar" of epic proportions, one so large that must have shone like a beacon in the night. And up until I ate dinner I was a moving target, so nobody could really lock onto me; at dinner, however, I sat still for just one moment, and that was all the time they needed to hone in on me.

What can I say? I am gay......a gay magnet, that is.