I miss the West

When people from outside the West find out I have a concealed weapons permit, they are, quite frankly, amazed. My region of the country has the reputation of ranking just behind Texas as the rootin-est, tootin-est, shootin-est, executin-est part of the US, and the fact that a seeminly sensible guy like me feels the need to be able to walk into Wal-Mart with a pistol tucked into my waistband makes them wonder. Not that I actually ever do walk around armed...but I could, and that alarms people. But just in case there is anybody out there that who questions the need to occasionally be armed while camping deep in the backwoods of the American West, I submit to you exhibit A, or as I like to call it, American Psycho:

Howald and three other men were at a campsite near Bernice when two dogs showed up, according to one of Howald's companions quoted in court documents.When the dogs would not leave the site, Howald allegedly shot at them, wounding a chocolate Lab.

He allegedly pursued the wounded Lab around the side of a trailer and then into the trees and shot at it a number of times, then came back to the campsite and got a chainsaw and severed the dog's head. Howald then allegedly drove to a campsite occupied by Mike and Brenda Sullivan of Butte and threw the severed head of their dog at them, saying "Here is your f------ dog back," according to the documents.

Oh, wait, it doesn't end there. After getting a second call to police from completely different people that this guy was pulling some car out of a ditch, the cops got a third call in the same night concerning his behaviour.

While officers were responding to these first two incidents, yet a third call came into the Sheriff's Department.

The caller reported that the occupants of an orange-colored vehicle and a blue-grey Chevy had thrown a beer bottle at the caller's son, according to the documents. When the caller approached the individuals, who were described in the documents by witnesses as "clearly intoxicated," to discuss the beer bottle incident, "they began to exchange heated words." Howald allegedly fired a shot when the man turned his back to walk away, according to the affidavit.

In the West, we historically have a term for people who shoot at people with their backs turned. And that term is "no good, low down cheatin' varmint."

So, let's check the scorecard, shall we? This guy, in just one evening, managed to get drunk, shoot some dogs, cut one of their heads off with a chainsaw, throw it some people, pull a car out of a ditch, throw a bottle at a kid and then shoot at his dad while his back is turned. Wow. You remember that old Army ad where they said they did more before breakfast than most people do all day? This guy gets more craziness in on one night than most people do in an entire lifetime. The last time I got drunk I think I managed to untie one of my shoes before deciding it wasn't worth the effort to untie the other one, so I just kicked it off with my foot before climbing into bed. Christ, I've got a lot to live up to. You've almost go to admire that sort of energy and motivation. Almost.

Honestly, that should be enough to convince anyone of the desire to be armed while camping in the West. But what's that you say? You still aren't convinced? You still aren't scared? Well then, how about if I told you that the Japanese mafia was controlling out weather and trying to kill us? You'd wouldn't be so tough then, would you, hiding behind your keyboard? You'd probably put down you laptop, stop looking for internet porn, pull the covers over you head and cry yourself to sleep from abject terror. And you know what? You'd be right too, because there is nothing you can do against the awesome and terrifying power of the Japanese weather mob. Think you're hot stuff? Fuck off, you're nothing compared the the Tokyo Typhoons. Think you're a big man? Piss off, you're rubbish under the foot of the Hokaido Hurricanes.

Because, according to the local Pocatello tv weatherman, that is exactly what is happening. Scott Stevens, who up until now seemed generally affable and benign, like most weathermen, has come out and boldly joined the ranks of the goddamn insane. He "theorizes" (and I use those air-quotes out of respect for all real theoriticians out there, none of whom likely read my blog) that he Japanese, in retaliation for Hiroshima and Nagasaki, have developed a weather super-weapon .

That sounds perfectly reasonable.

I honestly wish I could have witnessed this sort of meltdown on air.

Scott: It's going to be 101 tomorrow, which means a wrathful Apollo has finally come to wreak his vengeance upon a sorrowful earth. It looks like all our sins are finally coming to fruition. So, in conclusion, words are good. I like leprechauns.

Co-host: Uh, thanks Scott.


Of coures, they have, uh...um... decided to wipe out New Orleans with it. Yeah, that checks out. Because destitute black folks really had a lot to do with tactical decisions in WWII. Way to stick it to the man, Japan! White folks really hate it when you do shitty stuff to poor black people in America, because life really is too good for them as it is! You know who you guys should hook up? Bill Bennett, tv commentator, former Drug Czar, former Secretary of Education, author of "The Book of Virtues", and compulsive gambler. He recently had this to say:

"But I do know that it's true that if you wanted to reduce crime, you
could, if that were your sole purpose, you could abort every black baby in this
country, and your crime rate would go down," Bennett said.

So, Bill Bennett and Japan should hook up, because you guys would totally get along. Actually, I take that back, because you suck. Both of you. You suck and your sucky weather machine sucky sucks too. Why don't you guys stick to selling the used underpants of japanese schoolgirls in vending machines.

(Thanks to Gregg and Mandy for giving me the heads up on Scott Stevens. Oh, and thanks for nothing on the dog one, I found that at another site. Bastards.)