I finally found out what the other "L" is for

To say that the bureaucracy in Britain is thick and frustrating to navigate through is to tread the waters of ridiculous understatement. Securing the services of a plumber can take months, apparently, and I haven't seen many other sectors of society move that expeditiously either. The worst load of bollocks seems to be the banking industry. I am in the midst of trying to open a bank account in London, and by "in the midst" I don't mean I am in the process of getting it done this afternoon; rather, the process is into its third week, and by all measures looks to continue well into a fourth.

My experience with banking matters in the States has always been fairly straightforward and pleasurable, and I expected something along those lines out here. Oh, what a pitiable fool I was! British banks operate in the realm of the deceptively simple, and when I first went to open an account I was informed I would simply need a letter verifying my status as a student from my university as well as my passport. Hey, easy enough, yeah? I should have this account opened up in no time. A day later, letter in hand, I traipse off to my local Lloyd's branch to begin my banking. After a quick look over my letter and a talk with a colleague, I was informed that they wanted my letter to read that I had just arrived in England. Those attempting to open up a bank account after being here for a few months are immediately branded "no goodniks" and denied any banking privileges. Falsification was in order, it seems, and I was told to have my university change my papers to show that I had just arrived in January. Fair enough.

After going back and getting a second letter, I returned and was told that everything appeared to be in order, and now things were really going to kick into high gear and happen quickly. Which meant, of course, that I was told that now that everything was ready, I could finally make an official appointment to open my account exactly one week from that day. Riiiiight...

Fast forward to one week later and I am in the process of opening up my account when I am told my letter is no good. I have to go back a third bloody time to get my letter changed again, as they need the exact day that I (falsely) started courses in January; just the month itself wasn't good enough for them. Honestly.

This was all last Thursday, and I thought everything was taken care of and I could deposit a check I had with me. Negative on that, hombre. I was told they would give me a call in a few days when I could officially open up my account. Yup. So now it is Monday and I get a call to come in and sign a few documents, and at this time I am informed that I will have my debit card and pin number sometime next week. Oh, and my check that I officially deposited today? That balance should show up in my account by Friday at the earliest. For fuck's sake people. The topper was when I went to talk to someone today, he shook my hand right after his ink pen blew up, and I placed my hands on my lap without noticing this, leaving a wonder reverse "7" shaped stain on my jeans. Huzzah.

After all this I think I officially know the answer to something I have long wondered: why does the name Lloyd have two "L's" in it? Well, it would appear that the second "L", at least at Lloyd's bank, stands for "leisurely". I am tempted, in my frustration, to tell Lloyd's to fuck directly off, but I am sure they won't get around to it until sometime in the 22nd century, when I will be well past dead, so I'm not going to waste my breath on such imprecations.