I'm at a place called vertigo

Over my Christmas break I spent some time up in Portland, Oregon, where,on a lark, I finally visited the local mall, the Lloyd Center. Actually, I went there twice, and both times I mysteriously suffered bizarre psychological events. Thankfully, a little research on my part has turned up the culprit behind all this, but first let me explain what happened while at the Lloyd Center.

The first event occurred when I visited the mall with my friend Ross, where our explicit purpose was for me to visit the restrooms. He wouldn't tell me why I had to see them, but only indicated I had to experience it for myself. As I walked into the restroom, there was a small hallway that to your left that you have to walk down before making a right into the bathroom proper, and when I first came into the bathroom it looked as if the hallway went up an incline and continued moving up as it bent towards the right. And when I finally made it into the main restroom, I was struck even more dizzy.The reason for this is a curious tile pattern that they use on the floor in the restrooms, with small alternating black and white tiles that make the floor look electric and full of motion. Ross theorized, quite rightly I suspect, that this is purposeful in an effort to keep junkies from hanging out in the bathroom and shooting up.

As an aside, I would like to make brief mention of my experience using the urinal in the men's room at the Lloyd Center. I ended up using the middle of the three urinals, and soon after a guy showed up to use the one directly to my left. What was so odd about this guy was that he was visibily uncomfortable using the urinals, but was forced to because the stalls were full. To compensate for his embarassment, he ended up standing at a 45 degree angle to the urinal, with his back turned full towards me, in an effort to completely shield his wiener from view. The bloke who came in right after this chap and used the urinal to my right, and obviously had no problem using the whizzer in a public restroom. In fact, he was so comfortable he actually leaned forward against the wall and braced himself by placing one hand high up on the wall. Cool like Juneau, he was.

A few later days later- after recovering from the disconcerting effects of the restroom- I decided to share the experience with my friend Richard, so we went to the mall. We parked a level or so up in the parking garage, which meant that we needed to take the elevator down to the mall itself. As we walked across the garage, there appeared before us a gal in a wonderful pair of tight jeans, and her fanny utterly dominated our attention. We got into the elevator with her, which we soon learned didn't actually go to the mall, but rather to other levels of the parking garage. Whoops. The three of us found some stairs. Okay, that makes it sound like Richard and I were part of some Hardy Boys quest. The reality was that that girl found the stairs to the mall, and we ended up following her butt.

Once inside the mall, we parted ways with this girl's rear and went about our business. When it was time to leave, however, we suddenly realized we had no idea where we had parked or what door we came in. You see, the Lloyd Center has several parking lots and garages, none of which actually link up to each other. Click here and scroll down to the bottom of the page to see what I mean. Hypnotized. We had been hypnotized. Hypnotized by that curvy butt, and no we had no idea which lot the car was in.

That made two trips to the mall, and two times that some sort of mind game had been played on me. And there is only one person devious enough to employ these kind of dirty tricks, and you will find that person right here. Yes, that's right, the nefarious Dr. Mindbender from GI Joe fame apparently now works for the Lloyd Center Mall, as apparently Cobra is now out of business, so he is scrapping for work in Portland these days. (I do have to mention that I think it is hilarious that they have updated the new Dr. Mindbender toy to look less like a gay fetish creep and more like a nu-metal singer. Awesome.)

So, if you're ever at the Lloyd Center, and you start to feel a little dizzy or confused, or if you see something fishy involved a guy with a monocle, just yell out YO JOE!! Then just start shooting the holy living hell out of everything in sight.