News-o-rama

Reading through the Sunday newspaper is an endless source of amusement for me, and I hereby take a few minutes to share some of the better stories with everyone:

-A wealthy white man in Kenya has been charged with murdering a poor black man for the second time in the last year. This time it appears that a handful of people may or may not have been poaching on his land, so Thomas Cholmondeley responded by shooting one of them in the back with a rifle. The sad reality of the world is that looks count, and I hate to say this, but this guy looks guilty as all hell, and if I was prosecutor in this case I could absolutely guarantee a conviction. Why is that, you ask? Simple. My plan would be to just stack the jury with readers of the Captain America comic book, because it is plainly obvious who this Mr. Cholmondeley really is. Here, take a look at his picture first:

Now, compare that with this guy:

Sweet pants!! The Red Skull is alive and living in Kenya, busy shooting people in the back! Tut-tut, Red Skull, not very sporting at all, is it? At least shoot them in the front, yeah?

-And speaking of bids for racial purity, the first case of a naturally-occurring grizzly bear/polar bear hybrid cropped up in Alaska not too long ago, and was discovered by an Idaho man. And in true Idaho fashion, the man from Glenns Ferry immediately shot the holy living shit out of the bear, thus keeping it from reproducing. The man apparently plans on displaying the carcass as a trophy in his home, to show how he managed to overcome nature's largest carnivore. With a rifle. From 100 yards away. While in camouflage.

-In a bid to define himself as an environmentally aware candidate the new leader of the Tories, David Cameron, like to advertise the fact that he rode a bicycle to Parliament everyday. This backfired shortly after when it was revealed he had a chauffeur driven car follow behind him to ferry all his belongings for him. Way to be green, amigo.

-In more political news, I have stumbled across the greatest name ever not just for a politician, but also for a person bent on world domination. In the past I've ripped off a throwaway joke from the Simpson's by adopting the moniker Dr. Colossus. Now, I'm conflicted. Apparently there is a politician here in England, one who actually is part of the borough I'm in, Camden, who is named Lord Adonis!! Alternately, he is also called Baron Adonis. That is, unquestionably, the greatest name I have ever heard, and I hereby pledge myself as a minion of Lord Adonis, during which time I hope to overthrow the Baron and assume his title. Who knows? Maybe someday I'll find myself competing with the Red Skull for world domination. Dare to dream...

-Finally, in cartoon/comic book related news, check out "I'm the Juggernaut, bitch!" video. Hilarity ensues. I can't wait to hit somebody with their own pimp.