Chris Nalley: Renaissance Man

Not only is my friend Chris Nalley a fast-food mogul, but he is also a man known for generating new and stirring ways of punctuating victorious hands at the poker table. One of his early moments of inspiration was to christen me "The Crane", a nickname derived from the relatively classless manner in which I conduct myself after winning a big hand. Rather than being a good sport and allowing a vanquished opponent a moment of repose before collecting my winnings, I instead tend to throw out my cards and scoop up my winnings without the faintest trace of hesitation. This has happened more than once, and with such startling rapidity that it is not uncommon for my opponent's chips to be taken from them while their cards were still in mid-air, en route to the table top.

His latest stroke of brilliance is a remote controlled construction vehicle, with which he could drive across the table and haul off his winnings. For the cherry on top of this assholish sunday, I suggested we add a horn that blares out "Zap yo dumb-ass!" every times it takes in some chips.