Why Gregg Kemp hates freedom

I was at the British Library today, and they had an exhibition of important copies of religious texts from around the world on display. In one area they had a section on the ancient Iranian religion of Zoroastrianism, and made mention of their principal god, Ahura Mazda. Now my we all know that Iran is part of the much-publicized "Axis of Evil". Some, however, may not know that my friend Gregg drives a Mazda. In fact, he has owned several Mazdas, and has a great deal of brand loyalty.

I've always considered Gregg a patriotic guy, much like myself. Although we may not agree politically, we both love our country. Now however, I'm suspicious that his patriotism is a bit too, shall we say, convenient? After piecing together the clues, I'm beginning to sense Gregg is a double agent in service of evil. In fact, I can link Gregg to evil in four steps: Iran-->Zoroastrianism-->Mazda-->Gregg. Now compare this chain I found online: "Kevin Bacon was in Footloose with Dianne Weist, who was in The Birdcage with Gene Hackman,who was in The Firm with Holly Hunter,who was in Copycat with Sigourney Weaver,who was in Alien with the Alien."

Just think about that for a moment: Gregg is closer to terrorism than a fictional space creature is to Kevin Bacon. I'm pretty alarmed by this, and ashamed to say I called Gregg a friend for as long as I did. Oh, and Gregg works for Sprint, so if you have a Sprint phone I just want you to know that you are supporting terrorism. You un-American bastards. You make me sick, all of you. Why do you hate our freedom?