I, Prostitute

I've long made hay of my status as an international multi-media sensation. I began as a local media star when I had to put on a gorilla suit to play the mascot for my old high-school job at Jones Sew and Vac (Company theme/jingle lyrics: "Jones sew and vac a gorilly (go-really) good store! Oooh oooh, aahh aahh!!), and I appeared in both television commercials and at corporate trade shows. I first officially achieved the vaunted title of "international media-star" as a male model for a double-page, full color advert for Helsinki Energy that appeared in main section of the Sunday edition of Finland's biggest paper, Helsingin Sanomat (english edition available here). At other points in my life I've been been interviewed by BBC, the Camden Gazette, appeared on the local news, the newspaper, and, in my greatest dramatic stretch, portrayed Walter, the good and hard-working radio station employee in Ross Moran's epic film, "Walter Cleans Up". It was a difficult role to get myself into, considering I'm the same person who is currently serving a lifetime ban from the Great American Video franchise for my consistent displays of skulduggery during my stint working there.

About a week ago another shot at appearing in the media presented itself to me, this time in the form of a chance to be in a commerical hyping up an American reality TV show. The premise is that a group of people live in a home where traditional roles and power dynamics are inverted, with minorities such as ethnic groups and women have more power and opportunity than caucasians. But here's the thing: the show hasn't even begun production yet. It hasn't been cast, hasn't been shot, and doesn't even have a firm filming location yet. Yet for some reason the production compnay was out in London, and they needed to find some Americans to pretend they were randomly stopped on the streets of the USA and asked their honest opinions of this vaporous program. And given that we have quite a few Americans in our building, we were the perfect rubes for this deception, especially when these Succubi lured us in with their siren's song by promising five pounds (ten dollars) for everyone who would testify to the fabulousness of their show on camera.

They say every man has his price. Mine is apparently just a shade under ten dollars .

The sole redeeming part of this entire dodgy affair was the fact that I could pick out my own lines from the script, and I immediately jumped at the chance to say the following lines with as much vigor as I could muster:

"There's so much sexual tension in there, you can cut it with a knife!"

"There's so much sexual tension, it's gonna explode!!"

And so it was with much theatricality that I am set to appear on American television sometime in the next year opining about how much sexual tension is involved in this show. I really, really hope I get to see myself on national tv at some point. Next stop, Hollywood!