Who knew C-3PO was a pedophile?

While visiting my friend Kai, he pulled out a DVD and said, "You have to see this, it's gonna spark some great memories for you." He popped it in, and soon enough a scratchy commercial from the early 1980's popped onto the screen. As it played before me, I couldn't believe my eyes: it was the Star Wars Underoos commercial. Amazing. Here is a quick rundown of the audio for you:

Voice over: In the not-so-distant future, on a planet called Earth...it's Underoos!

(Alternating children)
Star Wars Boba Fett is here,
That means Darth Vader's always near,
3-PO has lots of style,
And R2-D2 just makes me smile!

(All together)
Star Wars Underoos are here, yeah!
Something out of sight in underwear!

Exit Children:
R2-D2: Beep boo boo beep bop beep!
C-3PO:Don't be so ridiculous R2, Underoos are for earthlings!

Seems pretty tame, right? Well, let me set the scene a little better for you, and then maybe you'll see why this is such a disturbing commerical. First off, it features four kids, first two boys, then two girls, each one dancing and singing their line while the respective character from their Star Wars underwear jives around behind them. That's right, you have a bunch of 8-year olds in underwear prancing around with grown men inside Star Wars suits. Worst is Boba Fett doing some cut-rate robot dancing behind a blond boy in his Boba Fett tighties. Ugh. That...isn't...uh...um...never mind, yes, that actually is totally creepy. I could make a few jokes about Luke or Yoda inviting the neighborhood kids over to show off their "lightsabers", but I think you can all make up your own punch lines for this one.

But here is the worst part: I had Boba Fett Underoos when I was a kid. And I was so proud of them that I refused to wear clothes over them when I went out to play in the yard. That's right: I thought they were too cool to be covered up with nonsense like pants and simply had to show them off to the world at large. So it wasn't at all unusual to see me out on the swing in the backyard, flying through the air in my light blue Boba Fett underpants.

But now I'm feeling a little, well, uncomfortable about playing out in the yard in them. Little did I realize that all these Star Wars characters were inveterate pedophiles. This commerical really opened my eyes to the fact that these guys totally enjoy dancing with strange children in their underwear. And just what in blazes did R2 beep to 3PO to have him say he was being ridiculous and that underoos are for children? "Do you think I can take the clothes off those kids and put them on myself?", is what I'd wager he said. Now I'm having these horrible visions of Boba Fett and R2-D2 hiding out in a neighboring house, snapping photos of my jumping around in my underoos. I wouldn't be surprised if there are grainy pics of my floating around the digital realm of perverts right now. Thanks for scarring me for life, you sickos.

With this shocking news in mind, I've decided to re-write that commercial to more accurately reflect the perversions of the Star Wars Universe:

Voice over: In a not-too-distant house, spying out a window near you...it's Star Wars Underoos-fetish perverts!

(Alternating Children)
Star Wars pedophiles are here,
They look in my window and try to leer,
3-PO tries to touch me on the sly,
And R2-D2 just makes me cry!

(All Together)
Star Wars perverts are near, yeah!
Now the whole neighborhood lives in fear!

R2-D2: Beep boo boop beep!
C-3PO: Don't be ridiculous R2, of course it is okay to try to touch little kids!